There's a baby in my belly!

Hodayah knows well to say there's a baby in mommy's belly.  Whenever I ask her what's in mommy's belly, she says "A baby!"  The other day, she pointed to her own belly and said their was a baby in it.  We laughed and told her that was silly billy.  One day, she looked at Abba, pointed to his belly and said "baby".  I laughed.  Abba did not.

Well now we['ll] have one of each!

We went to the doctor today.  We got lots of good news.  Our baby is healthy and no scares this time, baruch Hashem!  We also found out something else - see this video, specifically, minute 3:13.  Oh Girl!  And soon, Oh Boy!

(P.S. - We're only having one baby, not twins.  But I Love Chandler's expressions here.)

To tell or not to tell

I was not subtle on the subway trying to see if I could get a seat from anyone.  I stuck my belly right out there.  No seats.  Not surprised.  But there was my friend, Sarah, staring at my belly.  So she knows.  Which is kind of a relief b/c now I can talk about it with someone else. 

I was also not subtle in shul today sticking out my belly and holding my chumash at just the right spot so it highlighted my belly.  And another friend noticed, and then point blank asked me.  That was actually kinda funny.  "Are you expecting a baby?"  I said "I Hope so!"

So now two people know.  And according to the first one, people are speculating.  Oy.  So do I tell my family?  or just surprise them?  I really like the idea of just showing up with my big belly and surprising people.  And they're going to notice eventually.  But if I don't tell them, and just show up at the bar mitzvah in a month with a giant belly, I can imagine them being really angry, and I don't want that.  And how long before someone notices and figures it out and tells them before I do?  Can you imagine?! 

What do I dooooo?!

Second trips are for losers

Apparently, if I sit on the toilet long enough, I can pee all over again, and I can save myself a second trip to the bathroom.  How convenient!

Here I am!

We aren't ready to tell yet.  But my belly is super ready.  On Wednesday, in a meeting with a Rabbi, I sat with my coat on my lap hoping he wouldn't notice.  Later on, I thought "Why did I care so much if he noticed?!"  But we're not ready to tell.  But I feel like Espresso Bean is screaming it from the rafters "HERE I AM!!!"  Now if only I could cash this in for a seat on the subway...hmmm....

Surprise!

My clothes are not fitting me.  My belly is sticking out more often.  I'm only about 10 weeks.  I should not be showing yet.  At this rate, I will have to wear a maternity dress to a family wedding in November, and for sure to my nephew's bar mitzvah in December.  And then my family will know.  And that will be super fun...for no one...  Altho the shocked look on everyone's faces at the wedding and for sure at the bar mitzvah might be priceless.  
Also, I don't really have warm maternity clothes.  I'm so not prepared.  To be fair, it went from hot humid weather to like 50 degrees like overnight, so even normal humans aren't prepared for winter.  
Also, since i'm not supposed to compare this pregnancy to last time, fine.  What if I get super fat and my face gets swallowed up and no one recognizes me, like what happened to someone I know?!  What do I do?!  Aaaack!

Girls just wanna have fun

I really need this baby to be a girl.  I told the dr that and she said that's really out of her control.  (Stupid dr.!)  (just kidding, I really like that dr.).  But like I Really need this baby to be a girl.  First of all, we already have all girly stuff, like clothes and what not.  I don't want to have to buy boy stuff.  Second of all, girl stuff is waaaay cuter than boy stuff.  Third of all, I really know nothing about boys and I don't want to have to deal with flying pee all the time.  But most most importantly, Moshe has a boy name all picked out that I do Not want, and he think he can wear me down and get me to agree, and I am not good at arguing with him.  Also, he will be the one to tell the Rabbi the name we chose and I won't be able to move to stop him.  I could have my father tackle him...maybe I'll do that...  But really, it would just be so much simpler if it could be a girl.

In reality, if it's a boy, I will love it just as much, and really I just hope and pray for a healthy safe baby.  

But I can still hope for a girl :)

Magic Beans

On the last go around, we called the baby "Jelly Bean" b/c on the first sonogram, that's what it looked like, and it worked really well.  Know what I mean, Jelly Bean?  (See?!)  This time, we coudln't really agree on anything.  I suggested coffee bean, which Moshe interpreted as "Espresso Bean", which he's going with.  I suggested "Sweet Pea" b/c at some point, that was the size of the fetus according to my app.  Then it was the size of a gummi bear and I suggested "Gummi Beer".  Moshe's still going with "Espresso Bean".  And he keeps telling it to be fully percolated.  I guess it works.

Because Babies

I used to think my answer to any question would be "b/c Hodayah".  Like "why is there water all over the bathroom?"  "B/c Hodayah".  or "why are you losing your hair?"  B/c Hodayah.  or "Why is my shirt hanging from the lamp?"  B/c Hodayah.


Now, I think my answer could also be "B/c Espresso Bean."  Like "Why were you up so late last night and in the bathroom at 3:30am?"  B/c Espresso Bean.  Grrr....

Shshshshsh...Don't tell

Being pregnant is the Hardest secret to keep.  Ever!  I'm keeping a lot of other secrets, like stuff about shul, or stuff other people confide in me.  And I have no problem keeping those.  But this one is sooooo hard.  First of all, it's super exciting :)  Second of all, there are so many good lines and opportunities that I just have to pass up.  Like when I told my father-in-law that I'm exhausted and he said that I'm running after a baby all day, and I soooo wanted to say "Yeah, I'm also growing a new baby!".  Or when people say my daughter is getting so big and I want to say "So am I!"  Alas...sigh... 

But most difficult is I have so many questions.  Things like How do you be pregnant while dealing with a toddler?  Or why doesn't it feel the same as last time?  Or when do I tell my supervisor?  We sure as poop** are not telling family...like ever...that did not go well last time.  Family is very nice and all, but they can really drive you crazy.  If they figure it out on their own, I can't help that.  But I don't need to hand them the keys to my crazy car.  Meantime, my belly is growing, even though I'm only 9 weeks, but it seems like it's just growing, and we have a family wedding in November.  I might need to wear maternity clothes already.  That'll be fun.

Fourth of all, I've known about this since August 28th.  It's now October 8th.  That's like a month and a half of keeping a secret!  That's a freaking long time!  And I've got 31 weeks to go in this pregnancy.  I might cave.  I've come close a few times.  I've sometimes said things that if you're really paying attention and you're following my life, you might pick up on it.  But sometimes, I just want to just blurt it out so I have someone to talk to about it.  I might cave.  We'll see.  I'll let you know.

**I could've said "sure as hell", but no one actually is sure about the existence of hell.  I am Definitely sure that poop exists.

Food baby

Soooo I think my in-law family might think I'm pregnant.  I am definitely growing a food baby.  I've been gaining a lot of something in my belly area and my clothes are starting to all feel tighter.  I wore a dress yesterday (second day of sukkot) that used to fit me so nicely and it's kinda fitted and now my food baby sticks out of it.  And after lunch, I had eaten too much and was rubbing my belly, which was sticking out even more.  And I was walking funny, like a pregnant person.  And we kept talking about being pregnant, and all that stuff.  And I asked my SIL if she was pregnant on Yom Kippur with her kids and what she did about that, although that was in the context of a natural conversation and not just a random question, but still.  So yeah.  I wouldn't be surprised if they tell me later in the year that they all knew on Sukkot.

New Beginnings

The last two months have been emotionally draining, to say the least.  July was my last period.  In mid August, I started taking pregnancy tests.  I took 5 pregnancy tests.  4 super cheap ones from amazon all said no.  I finally bought a standard expensive one at a drug store.  It also said no.  I was confused and scared, not able to imagine what could be going on.  I emailed my dr and she recommended getting my thyroid checked.  That sounded scary.  I only know one person who had a thyroid issue and it did not end well.  So I freaked out.  Moshe made fun of me and talked me off the ledge and told me to wait and see what my dr actually says.  I then made an appt to see my OB for 8/28.  Of course I had to submit a urine sample.  The nurse came back and said "The reason you didn't get a period is that you're pregnant."  I cried.  A lot.  And then made the nurse let me give her a hug.


Then they did a sonogram and saw nothing there.  Nothing.  Just gray shshshshshshshshshshshsh.......  The dr said it's most likely that it's just too early to see anything.  It could be a miscarriage.  And it could be an ectopic pregnancy.  I made her give it to me as a pie chart b/c that helps me when I get anxious.  She said 90% normal pregnancy, 7% miscarriage, and 3% ectopic pregnancy.  I was trying soooo hard to believe in the 90%.


I went to a specialist the next day, 8/29,  to have a sonogram.  That was the most unpleasant experience and I will never go back to him.  And I told my dr that.  He basically just dumped tons of bad news on me, without any feeling, or regard for my feelings.  I cried more.  A lot.  He basically said that based on when my last period was, I should be 7 weeks pregnant now and there's nothing there, so he said I probably wasn't pregnant.  Lovely.  I went to Riverdale and cried to Moshe.  A Ton.


The next day, 8/30, I went back to my dr for more blood work.  I told her the terrible experience I had.  She brought me back to reality and to my pie chart and said she's still pretty confident it's 90% normal pregnancy and it's just too early.


I went to her a week later, 9/5, for more blood work to continue to measure my hormone levels, which went up at the 2nd blood test, which is good.  She called me the next day to say my hormone levels went from 55, to 103 at the 2nd blood test, to 1,220 at the third blood test, which looked very promising, and she said the next step is a sonogram to see if they can finally see a baby.  I tried so hard not to get my hopes up, but I will admit, I was a little excited.


I scheduled an appt with a different dr, b/c the person on the phone said it was ok.  It was not.  They called me at 2pm on Wednesday, 9/12, to tell me that I must be seen this week by Dr. Messinger, and the only time she can see me is at 3pm on Thursday, and I must go to a specialist in the morning to have a sonogram, and I must bring the results with me to the 3pm appt.  That was pretty darn stressful.  I explained that I really can't afford to miss more work time.  They said this is my health and basically too bad.  Okie dokie.  I also explained Very firmly that I will never go back to the first specialist where they sent me last time.  Fine.  They sent me to Carnegie Hill, where I had gone when I was pregnant with Hodayah.  I <3 that place!


I went on 9/13 to the specialist at Carnegie Hill.  I told the sonographer that I'm very scared b/c I want to be pregnant, but I'm scared there's gonna be nothing there.  She calmed me down a lot and started the scan.  And there it was.  Beating at 88 beats per minute.  My baby's heart beat.  My Jelly Bean 2.0.  My Coffee Bean.  My Sweet Pea.  Whatever we call it.  It's there.  It's really there.  Growing in my uterus right where it's supposed to be, doing it's thing.  I cried.  Again.  A lot.  My dr again went over things with me, and I of course pictured my pie chart in my head.  She said there's always a risk of miscarriage for any pregnancy, b/c that's real life.  But based on what she's been seeing, she said she has no reason to think it's not going to continue to grow and develop into a normal healthy baby.


My baby is really there, right where it's supposed to be, doing it's thing.  I'm crying.  Again.  A lot.  Even as I'm typing this.  What a way to start the new year :)


Hodu laHashem ki tov, ki le'olam chasdo.


p.s. When I got home and talked to Moshe, he yelled at me and commanded me that I'm never allowed to worry or freak out about anything ever again, and basically said one big "I told you so".  I love him so much!


p.p.s.  I don't think anyone actually reads this.  But if you happen to read it, please don't share this.  If you want to talk to me about it, email me privately.  If you don't have my email, we probably don't know each other.